El-Roi…my God who sees me (December 2012)

26 May

Home is a tricky concept, it would seem. The fortunate grow up somewhere they believe is home. They call it home because it is where they were born, where they played, where their mom and dad ran things.
I have had a home by this definition. I have always had elsewhere on my heart, but never had the courage or self-surety to truly believe that anywhere else could be home.

Find your way

In recent months home has become increasingly unwelcoming. Uninviting, if you will. It is a bizarre life-moment when suddenly everything you know is too familiar and undesirable. Over the last five months, I have been waging war with the familiar; I have been trying to hold onto it as my home while still seeking the place that’s been lodged in my heart since childhood.
I am beginning to think God is the master of ironic humour. Which will inevitably add to the reasons I love Him. There’s a verse somewhere that people often quote. It says something to the effect of anybody who tries to hold onto his life will lose it. Whenever mentioned, this verse had made me think that God was this big beast in the sky who would find your desire, show it to you then tell you to forsake it because it is most definitely not what He wants.
Perhaps it is time to think differently. It may well have been that I was so desperately trying to hold onto the familiar, what I had deemed “my life”, even though it was slowly draining me of every feeling of vitality I had left. Perhaps this was me losing my life as I tried to hold on.
The irony is that I was seeking the place God had placed on my heart from the time I was young. I just thought that place was some fancy university in Holland or an idealised little apartment in Italy. Not once, in the last five months of seeking did I think that that place could have been a farm, six hours away from my own house, filled with those that society has deemed unlovable.

home heart
I love God’s irony. Whilst feeling increasingly uprooted in the place I had called home I was looking for a new home. Quietly, gently and without any force He brought me to the place I hadn’t known I was looking for. And in that place, my heart said it had found home.
A lot needs to be put into place before I can go home. And I might be entirely wrong about all of this. For now though, I’m thanking God for the life He has breathed into me. I am simply hanging out with El-Roi, hoping my heart got the message right this time.
If nothing else, it is evident that God leads. Leading happens from the front. I will follow…

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